Conspiracy theory #4509284… the plot to assassinate Robert Mugabe

That’s not very high up on the list, Mister President. Somewhere between the Voortrekker Monument being the TRUE site of the 1820 alien invasion that saw the arrival of the first white South Africans (who were actually from Planet Bollie-Wood) and the rumour (strictly speaking — not a conspiracy) that Jacob Zuma is not paying back the money because it would empty the state coffers and drive the rand even further down a Barberton shaft, which ought to be renamed Lilypit. And who knows how long it will languish there…

But that is a rumour, so please don’t quote me on it.

zimbabwe zapiro

 Sadly, this cartoon is no longer as funny as it was more than 7 years ago.                                           (Memo to Zapiro: If South Africans could actually vote for the president of their choice, you’d get my vote!)

So, if conspiracy theories are, as some claim, smoke where there is in fact real flames (it’s just a case of the smoke being so thick you cannot see the flames, cough!), then Robert Mugabe is one lucky soul to have survived so long. From MI5 to opposition party leaders to members of his own family to people who want his wife’s dairy – they have all been accused of wanting him dead.

I think there is in fact a conspiracy to keep him alive. After all, he is 90 years old, and the life expectancy of a Zimbabwe male is 57.25 years. I don’t know how to put that into a neat mathematical number, but it must be significant. But I can emphatically state that he has been alive more than 50% longer than the men in his country. Then it must be true that some force is trying to keep him breathing. Perhaps it is because Zimbabwe would thrive after his demise and South Africa would no longer be the money machine that presides over the southern tip of the continent. No, that doesn’t even make sense, so we can’t keep that theory.

Why is a third force, a mysterious and diabolical power, trying to keep Robert Mugabe alive when the rest of the world purportedly wants him dead? It must be alien, methinks! Who else could prevail against the combined power of MI5 and Grace Mugabe’s competition who want her dairy to fail?

Long live Bob!

 

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